I Don’t Like People Anymore

I don’t like people anymore.
Not because I think they’re evil.
Not because I think I’m better.
I’m just tired.
Tired of smiling when something feels wrong.
Tired of pretending I don’t notice manipulation.
Tired of conversations where nobody actually says what they mean.
I notice things I wish I didn’t.
The pause before someone lies.
The compliment that doesn’t feel like a compliment.
The smile that never reaches the eyes.
People call it overthinking.
I don’t think it is.
I think it’s what happens when disappointment becomes experience instead of surprise.
Maybe that’s what trauma does.
It teaches you that what people say and who people are are not always the same thing.
So, without realising it, you begin scanning every room before you’ve even entered it.
You stop asking yourself whether you’ll like someone.
You start asking whether they’ll be who they appear to be.
I’ve realised something about myself.
I don’t think I’m equipped for pretending.
Other people seem able to move between versions of themselves without thinking.
They say one thing in private.
Another in public.
They smile at people they secretly resent.
They have conversations that mean one thing on the surface and another underneath.
I don’t know how to do that.
Maybe that’s a social skill.
Maybe it’s emotional intelligence.
Maybe it’s simply adulthood.
Whatever it is…
I don’t seem to have it.
I’ve become hard.
Hard on people.
Hard on myself.
Not because I expect perfection.
Because I crave consistency.
I don’t need people to like me.
I need to know where I stand.
If you disagree with me, tell me.
If I’ve upset you, tell me.
If you don’t respect me, let me know.
I can survive honesty.
It’s performance that exhausts me.
Sometimes I wish I could be different.
Life would almost certainly be easier.
I’d probably have more friends.
I’d probably fit in better.
But every time I try to become that person, something inside me resists.
I’d rather be uncomfortable than pretend.
Maybe that’s my greatest strength.
Maybe it’s my greatest flaw.